Lies Men Have Told Me On Dating/Hookup Apps

I miss having casual hookups with people from Grindr or FetLife, but I’m not taking any chances right now. Some people will lie about anything to get laid, including COVID-19 and social distancing. The liability factor went through the roof when that happened.

Photo by Toa Heftiba on Unsplash

I’ve Had a Vasectomy

According to a well-sourced Healthline article on the subject, only around 1 in 10 men in the United States get vasectomies, despite it being far and away the safest and easiest birth control method. Between 2000 and 2009, men in the military got them at an average rate of 7.1 per 1000, which is less than 1%.

I don’t remember the exact number, but I do know that much more men tried the vasectomy line on me than would be expected, given the known statistics.

Why? I’m sure each one had his reasons, but I think they could be summed up by saying they didn’t want to use condoms. I wasn’t very worried about getting pregnant, because I had an IUD, but the IUD doesn’t protect against HIV or other STD’s. Once, I did get gonorrhea on a particularly self-destructive weekend in 2018, when I had sex with a guy and didn’t demand he use a condom. I was just glad it wasn’t the drug-resistant kind.

You can’t always trust someone to know their status as far as STD’s. They may not be trying to infect you, but they may have something that they don’t even know about yet.

I’m Single (Not In a Relationship)

You could certainly make the case that it was partially my fault for not asking outright, but I don’t think I should have to. When you’re trying to hook up with somebody, or when you claim that you want a relationship, leaving out the fact that you have another partner is a big deal.

I had one person tell me on his way out the door that he had a wife. That’s just shady. Another guy told me about his wife as he was giving me a ride home. She had serious back problems that prevented them having sex at all, he said. She’d never find out, and he loved her, but he had needs, he said. I could understand that, to a point, but I was still annoyed that he told me after the fact.

My partner and I are polyamorous, meaning we’re both allowed to have sex with and date other people. The pandemic makes that kind of moot, but it’s the agreement upon which we began our relationship.

I’m an Experienced Dominant

This has to be the most annoying lie I heard on a repeat basis. Every guy seems to think he’s a Dom, but often, they don’t know what the hell they’re doing. They see porn clips of men dominating women sexually, but what they don’t see is the prep work or the aftercare.

I’m a masochist and submissive. I enjoy it when my partner hurts me physically. But like most people in the lifestyle, I need aftercare. It also isn’t good to use all your strength and hit someone as hard as you can, right out of the gate. You have to start with a lower intensity, then build up and modulate what you’re doing according to the submissive’s responses.

Beyond that, if someone claims to be a D-type (Dominant, Dominatrix, etc) but doesn’t ask about your limits or ask for your safe word, they’re lying. That’s basically the first thing you learn when you start looking into these things: risk-aware consensual kink, or RACK. It used to be SSC, “safe, sane, consensual,” but RACK has become more common in recent years.

Also, I think people in general misjudge their knowledge of kink and how intense kinky sex can be. For more on beginning to explore BDSM dynamics, I’ve got another article:

Wrap-Up

To be clear, I’m not saying men are the only people who lie. Obviously, that’s not the case. And not all men lie to get sex. But I do think it’s a curious thing that so many of them will say whatever they can to get consent. You might think, “What’s the big deal?”

The big deal is that I consent to what I consent to, and if you’re lying about the circumstances, then I haven’t really given consent. I’ve been deceived. Deception is not part of consent. I can’t believe I have to say that, but here we are. Also, any lie that can result in accidental pregnancy or disease is, in my estimation, kind of a big deal.

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Queer vegan cryptid trying their best to survive late-stage capitalism while helping others do the same.

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London Graves

London Graves

Queer vegan cryptid trying their best to survive late-stage capitalism while helping others do the same.

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